secret santa

Santa is a very perceptive chap. He seemed to know just what everyone from PRC would like for Christmas.

Heather: A gorgeous lippie case and girlie key ring. Lovely taste. (I don't know whether she is praising Santa's fashion sense or whether she tried to eat them.)

Nathan: Sin city DVD. Cracking pressie.

KT: 3 scratch cards which won £1.00 and 3 lucky dips for last nights draw. She's at her desk though. So no win there.

JR: A selection of pleasantly indecent little flipbooks.

Beardy: His own special mug. No more flavia branded cups for him.

Raph: A complete beauty salon, with amazing beauty tips, manicure set, hair band and loads of stuff. She shall be opening the salon later. Girls form an orderly queue please. And you there, Gary, stop trying to nick the lipstick. That's not yours.

Lex: A walking stick. (??)

Anne: A lovely selection of yoghurt, stain remover, napkins and spoons - some of which (the runny bits) is now adorning Gracechurch Street and being run over by cars as the carrier bag broke.

Rebecca: A candle holder and some lovely smelling candles.

Little H: A heart-shaped cheese.

Ondine: A heart-shaped cheese. Hrmmmmm.

Gill: The Devil Wears Prada book and some Celebration Truffles. She offered to lend the book to others. No mention of the truffles.

Gill also had to go out and get the breakfast fryup sandwiches for being the last one in to work. It's a bit unfair because the truth is, Lex and Anne were both in later... but everyone was too hungry to wait and it stopped being funny anymore.

Mike 'Nothing Up My Sleeve' Burgneay: A superb 'after dinner tricks' book. Mike also received the gift of rather a lot of alcohol and was, despite his intial protests, just as drunk as he sounded.

Tony: 2 racing Grannies. Tony will bring them in tomorrow so we can race them for money. Place your bets today (min bet £100,000). Ethel vs Deardry. Ethel passed a late drugs test, but is carrying a foot injury into this main event, so odds are 10-1.

Jan: A wind-up torch and radio. So she'll be the one doing the spotlighting on the granny races then.

...and then there's Gary. Gary's present was very special indeed and he submits the following:

Little H,

As requested, please find below full Secret Santa gift inventory. In order of preference:

1x Tesco own brand Shortbread biscuits (excellent, half-eaten on the night)

1x Tesco own brand Salted peanuts (family pack). Superb football-on-TV, girlfriend out, no-one to cook for me food.

1x Tesco own brand Baked Beans (surprisingly good, eaten on the night. Drizzled over freshly warmed toast with a sprig of 'torn' basil. Mmmm. Those aren't just beans. They're Tesco's beans.)

1x Tesco own brand Garibaldi biscuits (saving those for a posh dinner party)

1x Tesco own brand Dry roasted peanuts (lovely I'm sure but they really are pop-off fuel, so risky in company)

1x Tesco own brand ('Christmas' range) Deep filled mince pies (thanks Mike for rescuing those)

1x Tesco own brand (exclusive 'Value' range) not Deep filled 'mince' pies (the subject of a truly horrifying 'in one' spectacle at Clause on the night. There could be no winners! Only losers. With indigestion).

1x Tesco own brand (exclusive 'Value' range) Christmas pudding. Note here for foodies – it's a pudding with a twist. It's made with a hint of 'cider' (for cider read: lighter fuel).

That's all I can remember. Literally.

Thanks once again Santa. The poor will be most grateful.